Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
