Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
