I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
