I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
