Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
