He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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