forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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