You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
