i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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