fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
