My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
