i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
