mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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