can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
