I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
