Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
