I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
