Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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