Only a mothe r could love this liver
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
