she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
