He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
