I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
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I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there