just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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