vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
