i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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