I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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