Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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