guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
