The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
