Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
