made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
