and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Pooping to opera.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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