i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
