Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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