So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
