now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
