I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
