i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
