I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
