when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
