It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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