guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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