So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
