Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
