just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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