I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
