someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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