Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
