Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
