ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
