After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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