My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
