we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
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I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
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Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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