I just pynch a tree in the face
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
