alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
