I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it glows. i had to have it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
