after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
