I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
