i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
