Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Randomize
