I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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